A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****************tin' me!”

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating & the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held it's breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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Rules to Live By:
1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
2. Convince Yourself Everything is Small Stuff!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

I wish we had rep here, because you would get some for this one. lol.

This thread isn't complete without a joke about TDM, so, here it goes.






























TDM.

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

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A Legend in My Own Mind

Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.

"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.

"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"



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"Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the frickin boat."

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A Legend in My Own Mind

Something very similar that most of you likely have seen (particularly since the SuperBowl was just played):

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man
came along & asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No,they're all at the funeral."

__________________
Rules to Live By:
1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
2. Convince Yourself Everything is Small Stuff!

Revival services were going on out in a small church in the country.... BIG TIME REVIVAL and word got out about the great singing, great preaching and it continued on for weeks. One night, the Devil had grown tired of all the good news and he pops up right on the podium as the singing was going strong. Folks were going out the front door, back door, windows and all you could see was folks running.... all except one fellow on the third pew.

Satan looked at him and said, " Fellow, don't you know who I am? "

Man said, " Yep, sure do "

Satan says, " Ain't you scared of me? "

Man looks straight at him and said " Not at all "

Satan, puzzled and confused, says " WHY NOT? "

Man shrugs and says " Been married to your sister over 30 years "

Damn, I likes that one!!!!

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Bigdog

The Affair
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Dallas Cowboys tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Galveston .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink Jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high Octane hootch and got
completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to
do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No '

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

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A Legend in My Own Mind

Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

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A Legend in My Own Mind

Are you sure that wasn't my son? It sounds like something he would do...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies ,"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes , RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car..

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

Good one.

__________________

Unbelievable..........A photo of a woman with different colored boobs..
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A Legend in My Own Mind

I was running late this morning...

Went into the bathroom grabbed the Preparation H because of that horrible itching... however, in my haste, I grabbed the Crest toothpaste instead. So now my butt is still itching, but when I fart, it is minty fresh!!!

True Love Story


Once upon a time, a Good Ol Boy asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me? The Princess said 'NO'"....and the Good Ol Boy lived happily ever after and got a good job, rode motorcycles, visited lots of cool places. He played softball, hunted and fished and raced cars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard nagginging, and chased cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and his guns and he never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

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A Legend in My Own Mind

************65279; The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ !!!"

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A Legend in My Own Mind

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was
'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.*

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat** **down and cried.* **

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked

A fellow boarded the plane and found he was seated beside an older lady. Once they were at cruising altitude, she pulled out a Bible and started reading. The man, looked and chuckled and asked the lady, "do you really believe all those stories?"

She smiled and replied, "Yes sir, I surely do!"

He said, "What about Moses living in that whale? How did he breathe? How could he have survived?"

She smiled again and said, "Sir it wasn't Moses, it was Jonah and I'm not sure how he survived, but I guess I can look him up when I get to Heaven and ask him."

The smug fellow laughed and said, "What if he didn't make it to Heaven?"

She smiled a little bigger this time and said, "Well, I guess you could ask him yourself then!"

A ventriloquist was doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through the usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stood up and started shouting, "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but against women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yelled, "You stay out of this, mister,
I'm talking to the smart alec sittin' on your knee!"

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on
to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the
teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh
race, but I appreciate your help.'

__________________
A Legend in My Own Mind

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with him and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so he can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.


Credit to Coach Hal Capps from his FB page

Obama looked over at Michelle, chuckled and said "I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window and make 1 person very happy." Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw 10 $100 bills out of the window and make 10 people very happy." Hearing their exchange the pilot said to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there. I could throw them both out of the window and make 256 million people very happy."

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They bought me a rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, ************8220;What************8217;s going on?************8221;
************8220;Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they************8217;re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they************8217;re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We************8217;re going from car to car, collecting donations.************8221;
************8220;How much is everyone giving, on average?************8221; the driver asks.
The man replies, ************8220;Roughly a gallon.************8221;

tiger woods was sitting on santa's lap and santa said ho,ho,ho, and tiger said where, where,where

Looks like Tiger just got his stroke back....he won last week.Ho,Ho,Ho.

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel great. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of things he got his lunch and walking stick and went for a hike. After a while he happened upon a beaver tending to his damn. Just to satisfy himself, he raised his walking stick to his cheek like it was his rifle, took aim and said, "Bang. Bang." Just then two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?

The old man said, "Well logic would dictate that there was somebody else out there that plugged the beaver."
His doctor said, "Exactly my point."

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father. So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor.

The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain.

Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.

The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing.

They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the Family, so call me The President Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, We will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep ****************.

love this, too bad i can't remember it!!

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a friend of mine give me a viagra pill and told me if your dick stays hard for 4 or more hours call your doctor,i said "what am i going to tell him THANK YOU "

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

saw on stories of the ER show one time, the only way to get the woodie down from extreme erections is to draw the blood out with needles, its painful, I would just wear the woodie

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account... If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?' At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him "You a gonna try again!"

God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said "That's a long time to be barking, how about only ten years and I'll give you back the other 10?" So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog did?" So God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said "You must go in the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 80 years." The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?" And God agreed again.

Then God created the human and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." But the Human said "Only 20 years? Could I possibly get my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80 years." God said "Okay, but you asked for it."
And that's why for the first 20 years of our lives we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our lives we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has been explained to you.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he************8217;d see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin************8217;s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m************8217;lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ************8217;short arm************8217; inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.

A man walks into a pharmacy store and goes up to the counter and asks the lady at the register where he can find the tampons at. "Aisle 7" she replies. He returns ten minutes later with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls. The lady at the register goes "what in the heck, i thought you were getting tampons?" The man replies, "I was going to until I remembered that i sent my wife out for cigarettes last week and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."

Tom is sitting at the bar and he's decides he's had enough to drink and tries to stand up to walk home and falls to the floor. He climbs back up to his bar stool and says he's gonna try it again. So he tries to stand up again and falls back to the floor. Again he climbs back up on to his bar stool and says I'll give it one more try and if I cant walk home I'll just crawl. Again right to a pile on the floor. Tom says "screw it I'll just crawl home." He makes it all the way to his front porch and passes out.

In the morning his wife opens the door to find her husband still passed out on the ground and says "Tom did you get drunk at the bar again?" Tom says "how did you know?" wife says "the bar called you forgot your wheelchair again!"

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

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Bigdog

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word ************8220;tragedy************8221;. So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a ************8220;tragedy************8221;.

One little boy stood up and offered: ************8220;If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.************8221; ************8220;No,************8221; says the Great Jesse Jackson, ************8220;that would be an accident.************8221;

A little girl raised her hand: ************8220;If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.************8221; I************8217;m afraid not,************8221; explains the exalted Reverend Al. That************8217;s what we would call a great loss.************8221; The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. ************8220;Isn************8217;t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?************8221; Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: ************8220;If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.************8221;

************8220;Fantastic!************8221; exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, ************8220;That************8217;s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?************8221; ************8220;Well,************8221; says little Johnny, ************8220;because it sure as hell wouldn************8217;t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn************8217;t be an accident either.************8221;

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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Bigdog

some funny stuff up here, think im going to like this site.

BEST site going today!!!!!!!!!!!

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Bigdog

Great jokes!

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CENTRAL EAGLES MAKE PLAYS...NOT EXCUSES

You gotta love them Texan's

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 6", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"